4) Confront sexual bullying

• What is sexual bullying?
• A high risk behaviour
• Sexual bullying: Risk signs
• How to confront sexual bullying
• Activity
• Sources

What is sexual bullying?

Sexual bullying is the sexual intimidation or coercion of a less powerful person by a more powerful person or group.

Unfortunately, sexual bullying is common and for some people, may even seem like the “normal” way to approach sex.

Sexual bullying is often used to pressure both men and women into sexual behaviour against their will. For example:

• Ridiculing a mate’s sexual choices because they don’t conform to the group’s expectations e.g. calling someone a “poofta” for not having sex
• Using emotional blackmail to pressure a girlfriend into sex e.g. “If you loved me you’d have sex with me”
• Making false promises to get a person to have sex e.g. saying “Of course I’ll ring you tomorrow” when there is no intention of doing so.

Some forms of sexual bullying are criminal. For example, physically forcing or threatening a person into having sex.

Other forms of sexual bullying may not be criminal, but can still have a traumatic impact upon a person.

Sexual bullying: a high risk behaviour

Engaging in sexual bullying puts a person at higher risk of committing sexual assault.

Where sexual bullying occurs within a group, it can also pressure group members into sexual behaviours that are:

• Unsafe;
• unethical;
• unpleasant, embarrassing or humiliating;
• not chosen freely and voluntarily;
• at risk of being sexual assault; and
• possibly criminal.

Sexual bullying: Risk signs

Certain ways of thinking can put a person at risk of being a sexual bully.

These include viewing sex as:

• An “act” that you do to someone or get from someone e.g. “a root”, “a head job”;
• a competition or opportunity to prove yourself e.g. “score”, “get notches on the bed post”;
• something you are entitled to e.g. being unable to take “no” as an answer;
• an opportunity to bond, boast or laugh about with your mates;
• a means of controlling or dominating another person.

Sexual bullies also tend to act in ways that are:

• homophobic;
• anti-women, unless for sex; and
• pro-violence as means of resolving conflict.

For example, sexual bullies may use anti-gay and anti-woman put-downs, such as “poofta” or “girls blouse”, or the threat of violence, to silence group members who challenge their behaviours.

How to confront sexual bullying

Sexual bullies are most powerful when supported by peers who:

• follow,
• reinforce, or
• tolerate their behaviours (often in silence).

They are least powerful when supported by peers who:

• reject,
• challenge or
• confront their behaviours.

Men who sexually bully other people often assume that their peers hold similar attitudes to themselves. However, research suggests this is not the case. The majority of men do not hold abusive attitudes towards women and other men.

One non-violent way to confront sexual bullying is to break the silence surrounding these behaviours. Discuss sexual bullying with your mates. Ask how it makes them feel. Tell them how you feel when you see it happening. Chances are that once the silence is broken, you will find you are not alone in your concerns.

Other things you can do to confront sexual bullying:

• Refuse to participate in sexual bullying
• Refuse to encourage or laugh at it
• Urge other mates not to be part of it
• Support mates who stand up to it
• Help out and support victims of sexual bullying
• Find a quiet moment to try to talk to ringleaders. Urge them to seek professional help.
• Take an ethical approach to sex and support mates in doing likewise

Activity:

Read the following scenario again. This time, imagine that you are one of Darryn’s mates who is a by-stander to this incident.

Think of different things you could do to challenge this abusive situation.

NB: Often when confronted with situations like this, we see only two options: intervene physically and possibly expose ourselves to physical harm, or do nothing *.

Try to think of alternatives to these two options.

Darryn’s mates tease him for being a virgin. One night at the pub, they charm Tatiana, a young woman they have previously called a slut, into coming onto him. They tell her that Darryn is keen on her and that she should make a move. When Darryn refuses her advances, his mates encourage her to keep touching and stroking him. Meanwhile, they ply both of them with alcohol and ridicule Darryn, calling him “shy” and a “poofta” every time he pushes her away. Eventually, Darryn starts playing along with the joke, touching and stroking Tatiana in return. At the end of the night, Darryn and Tatiana stumble out the door together, very drunk. Darryn’s mates presume that they are off to have sex and celebrate this as a victory for the boys having broken their friend’s resolve.

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Sources:

Banyard V, Plante E and Moynihan M “Bystander Education: Bringing A Broader Community Perspective to Sexual Violence Prevention”, University of New Hampshire, Journal of Community Psychology, Vol 32, No 1 2004

Criminal Justice Sexual Offences Task Force Responding to sexual assault: the way forward, Attorney General’s Department of NSW, December 2005

Flood M (2003) “Men, Sex and Mateship: How homosociality shapes men’s heterosexual relations”. Paper to (Other) Feminisms: An International Women’s and Gender Studies Conference, University of Queensland, 12-16 July.

Farrington, DP(1993) Understanding and preventing bullying in M.Tonny and N. Morris (Eds ) Crime and Justice, Vol 17, Chicago: University of Chicago Press.

Robins G, Kremer P & Lusher D Masculine behaviour and social networks in team structures An AFL Research and Development Project for 2005

* Katz J; Mentors in Violence Prevention (MVP); Gender Violence Prevention Education & Training, Focus on Bystanders at www.jacksonkatz.com